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December 2001
Journey of A Surrogate So there you have it. My surrogacy journey. It didn't go at all where I thought it would. Some things were so much better than I could have imagined. And some things were so much worse. And for you at home...well, I warned you this was "reality internet". If you are wondering about the long lapse in updates, it's because I had to decide what to do about the end. Part of me wanted to write up a hallmark, happy ending and just post that. But I couldn't ever bring myself to do that. I promised you that I'd take you inside a surrogate's heart and head, and cheesing on the ending just wouldn't be right. But I had a hard time deciding to write this, too. I'm pretty certain my IP's read this and I didn't want to anger them further. I treasure the few updates I do get. I'd hate to lose that. My final decision to go ahead and spill all makes sense if you understand the way this diary came to be in the first place. There were three phases. 1. The first was for my own personal therapy. I think best on paper. I was one of those teens that wrote diaries hundreds of pages long about her parents and her crushes and all those teeny things. So I started writing this to make myself feel better. I never had any idea anyone would want to read it. 2. I posted the diary because it was a fast way to update about twenty friends at once. It was cooler than sending out a blanket e-mail. And it was faster than e-mailing individually. 3. But then people who didn't even know me started reading my journal. And I started getting fan mail. (and ohhh I LOVE that!) And most of that early mail was "What's a GS? Who are IP's?" So I went back and wrote the first entries. I wanted this to be a journal that someone knowing nothing about surrogacy could read and understand. So I elaborated and educated. I really believe that education is the way to acceptance for surrogates. And I hoped that people would read my journal and decide to hire surrogates or become surrogates or just be nice to surrogates in the future. So now my posting the ending will satisfy all three phases. I will have put another chapter toward my own healing. If I can write about what happened to me then I'm certainly out of the denial phase! My friends who keep going "What happened? What happened?" can catch up with me. And people can be educated. It would be the saddest day for me if I ever heard of anyone who was a potential IP or a potential SM and decided not to be because of my story. That is not the goal I'm working toward here. I still believe in surrogacy. And you just watch, I'll end up doing another one yet. I know it can have a beautiful happy ending. But I also know that surrogacy involves human interaction and that's not always going to go smoothly. I hope my story will serve as a warning to others to avoid the pitfalls I fell into and have a beautiful ending of their own. A surrogacy is a lot like a marriage. There are good ones and bad ones. Sometimes things are bad because a partner does something wrong. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Ask yourself if you'd read one story about a divorce and then never ever get married for the rest of your life? Just the same, don't let my one story turn you against surrogacy. Thank you for reading my story. Thank you for your letters and your support. It really means the world to me.
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